Sullivan: A throne away from home — Snowmass’ urgent need for porcelain peace

To the esteemed editors of The Aspen Times:

Let’s talk about a pressing issue, a matter of vital importance that affects every single soul daring enough to strap planks to their feet and hurl themselves down the glorious slopes of Snowmass: the dire — nay, catastrophic — lack of readily available restrooms.

The recent closure of the Ullrhof for renovations, while undoubtedly promising future culinary delights, has left a gaping hole — a porcelain-lined void — in the mid-mountain relief options. Now, the trek to the base or the mall when nature calls with the urgency of a runaway ski patrol vehicle feels less like a scenic detour and more like an Olympic biathlon event, only instead of a rifle, you’re armed with sheer willpower and a rapidly-dwindling bladder capacity.

Imagine the scene: a skier, mid-carve, experiencing that familiar internal rumble. Do they gracefully complete their turn? Nay! They embark on a desperate, internal negotiation, weighing the pros and cons of a potential “snow angel” versus the sheer agony of holding on until they reach civilization. This isn’t the Zen of skiing; it’s the frantic prayer of a soon-to-be-uncomfortable individual.

We understand renovations are necessary, but surely, in a resort renowned for its luxury and breathtaking views, we can engineer a temporary solution. Perhaps a fleet of strategically placed, heated porta-potties? Maybe a team of Sherpas dedicated to whisking skiers to the nearest available facility on miniature snowmobiles?

The current situation isn’t just inconvenient; it’s bordering on a public health crisis (albeit a very polite one). Let’s not let the stunning beauty of Snowmass be overshadowed by the silent suffering of its patrons. Give us convenient comfort stations, Snowmass! Our quads, our enjoyment, and most importantly, our dignity, depend on it.

Sincerely (and with a slight sense of urgency),

Susan Sullivan, a Snowmass skier with impeccable edge control and a less-than-impeccable bladder

Carbondale