Irreligion: Wolf, wolf

There have been several reports of wolf releases in the “older” Snowmass area. These include various news articles, strange Department of Parks and Wildlife (CPW) kennel-trucks driving in the neighborhood, and last but not least, fuzzy game camera/phone camera photos.

Well, it finally happened. A credible report of a neighbors’ face-to-face confrontation with full-size, big scary wolf-thing while walking their dog. Reportedly their dog “freaked out” and so they immediately turned around and began walking (hurriedly) to their house with the wolf-thing following at a distance.

There were three parts of the story that caused me some pause: No. 1, when asked how big the wolf-thing was compared to the size of our 90-pound lab they answered that there was no comparison because the wolf-thing was “huge”; No. 2, their dog went crazy with fear; and No. 3, the wolf thing followed them back their house (stalked them?).

These descriptions don’t really fit with your usual coyote encounters. Yes, I understand that many visitors and new second homeowners might think wet roads are black ice, waiting in line at Kemo Sabe for $15,000 cowboy hats is cool, poodle poop left in a bag will be picked up by service people, indiscriminate honking in the City Market/Clark’s Market parking lot is OK, and … coyotes are wolves.

There are many factors to consider. I am president of our homeowners association (lucky me) so I get to hear about many things like potholes, washboard, exterior lights, fast drivers, divorce, architectural styles, and wolf things. And yes, some of our new home owners think coyotes are wolves. I did not see the so-called “wolf” myself, so in all fairness we shall call this particular creature a “wolf thing.”

I must warn the reader that although I am always fact-based in this column I will express some opinions here. I wonder if: No. 1, Aspen/Pitkin Animal Control thought wolf releases would be a great way to enforce leash laws; No. 2, CPW thought it humorous that since all the liberal Denver/Boulder voters wanted wolf repatriation in Colorado (but none released on the Front Range), it would be funny to release the wolves as near as possible to that bastion of liberalism on the Western Slope — Aspen/Snowmass; No. 3, since various state representatives in the CPW Commission meetings got so b***h slapped in the public comments by ranchers there was no way they were going to release them where the populations are sparse, the ranchers are fierce, and snackable pets are rare.

You know, if our former, much-loved congresswoman, Lauren Boebert, were still in charge here, there would be no wolves released anywhere near Congressional District 3. Nope, no siree. By the way, who is our new congressperson? Do we have one? Is it a he/she/they doing anything besides voting yes to everything the newly-elected President wants?

Speaking of sweet yellow labs, maybe some of those wolves could be released in Grand Junction to control the ever-increasing population of stray pit bulls. From what I understand the coyotes are doing a great job of that with all the kitty cats in Snowmass Village.

OK, back to my main point. Can we confirm if a wolf-thing is a real thing? This is very similar to a God-thing or all “things.” Let me explain. My smart students say that all I ever teach is hermeneutics. Hermeneutics is all about theories of interpretations or how we arrive at definitions. What is a wolf? What is a thing? This hurts most people’s heads so they stop reading my columns. I am sympathetic. I get tired of listening to the voices in my head too. But seriously when is a wolf a wolf? If “it” is bigger than my lab? When it is not a coyote? When it stalks you?

Years ago I was hunting elk up in Johnny draw and I watched a “thing” trot down across the meadow. (Yes, Kamala, I am a gun owner too.) It was not a dog. It was not a coyote. I followed it with my binoculars. It was definitely a something. Or maybe not – just my imagination from sitting there all day like some Zen monk looking for nothing.

When researching the passage of Proposition 114, now state statute 33-2-108.8, the two principle reasons one comes across for reintroducing wolves in Colorado are: No. 1, they will help “balance” the ecosystem, and No. 2, they will move elk and deer out of riparian areas. Nowhere did I find what exactly needs to be “balanced” in the ecosystem. I do know that “balance” is a favorite word among my more liberal friends who do a lot of yoga. In a physical world filled with forces that conflict with other forces I have never come across anything close to “balance.” Nor have I ever seen elk or deer hanging out in riparian areas unless you want to call an elk wallow a riparian area — which is stretching the definition quite a bit (see “hermeneutics” above). Anyways, hunters and developers do a great job of keeping elk and deer moving.

I love April. It’s the harbinger of spring. It occurs under the sign of Aries the god of war. My birthday happens in April. And remember, if there is anything you don’t like in this column, April is also the month we celebrate that most American of all holidays — All Fool’s Day.

David Hale earned his Ph.D. in Philosophy, Religion and Cultural Theory from the University of Denver and Iliff School of Theology. He is a Lecturer in Philosophy at Colorado Mesa University in Grand Junction and is a full time contractor in Snowmass.