Cole: ‘Not at the expense of the moment’
Aspen Relationship Institute
Courtesy photo
Qui-Gon Jinn: “Don’t center on your anxieties, Obi-wan. Keep your concentration here and now, where it belongs.”
Obi-wan Kenobi: “But Master Yoda said I should be mindful of the future.”
Qui-Gon Jinn: “But not at the expense of the moment.”
In this exchange from “Star Wars: Episode I — The Phantom Menace,” the message is clear: Being present can be difficult, even for a Jedi, a warrior-monk who values compassion, mindfulness, and non-attachment.
Anxieties are the bane of being mindful and present and are a conditioned response by the protective self (see previous column), the part of us created in our childhoods to shield from painful and unworkable relationships and environments.
While many of us have experienced “macro traumas” such as abuse or neglect, which can have significant impacts on our later lives, most of our anxieties come from repeated “micro traumas,” which often come in the form of consistent negative messaging from our parents — usually as a combination of direct verbal exchanges and indirect behaviors and actions. These micro traumas trigger the inception of the protective self and are the fuel for our future worries and anxieties.
A good example of the power of repetitive parental messaging is the story of football’s Tim Tebow as portrayed in the Netflix show “Swamp Kings” from the “Untold” series. Tebow recalls his early childhood after a very complicated pregnancy that threatened both his and his mother’s life. He was home schooled by a family of deep faith and recounts his parents telling him over and over: “You’re a miracle baby for a reason. You’re going to do awesome, great things.” Then, in a haunting and evocative tone, he said, “When you hear that over and over again. Do you know what happens? You believe it.” He went on to be one of the best quarterbacks in college football history and played three years in the NFL.
Unfortunately, an even greater power of persuasion exists in the negative parental messaging we might have heard over and over again throughout our childhoods. So much so, that even if it might not have been our truth, we eventually begin to take it on as our own. These negative messages often spoke to some aspect in which we weren’t good enough or of the need for us to compensate in some way to earn back our parent’s approval. Most of the time they weren’t intentionally meaning to hurt us, but in trying to cope with their own issues or unconsciously attempting to meet their own needs, our parents often had unreasonable expectations of us as children simply trying to navigate the complexities of life. This negative messaging is also generational. When our parents were trying to do their best to raise us, they were also dealing with the lingering impacts of the negative messaging they received from their parents. This is known as generational trauma.
Most, if not all of the difficult situations that might have affected us in our childhoods are likely no longer present in our lives. But unless a deeper awareness of the impacts they had on us is developed through interventions such as counseling, coaching, or mindfulness practices, we often continue to recruit our protected selves as a way to avoid painful and disappointing experiences as adults. In her book “The Drama of the Gifted Child, The Search for the True Self,” Alice Miller posits that most people continue to live in their “repressed childhood situations, ignoring the fact that they no longer exist,” continuing to fear and avoid perceived dangers that, although once real, have not been for a long time.
So we end up with an internal conflict between the protective self, once the guardian against childhood fears and dangers, and the authentic self, the true representation of our actualized experiences. Again, the key to beginning the resolution of this conflict is to develop a stronger awareness of the internal discord.
The patterned responses of the protective self are best understood through attachment theory, briefly mentioned in the last column. Our attachment styles or patterns are essentially the way we learned to engage in relationships with others. Most of us are what the theory denotes as “securely attached” meaning that when we do engage with others we are in our authentic mindset, capable of healthy, compassionate and caring connections. When faced with stress, conflict or triggered into feeling like we did as that scared younger version of ourselves, however, we all tend to compensate in one of two ways.
On one side of the attachment spectrum is the anxious attachment style, more dependent, insisting on engagement and resolution. The other is the avoidant attachment style, more independent, wanting to shut down or withdraw. On the fight/flight spectrum, the anxious style represents the fight side and the avoidant represents the flight side. These are our protective patterns. Knowing which style we tend to default to is a great place to start the process of rebalancing the relationship between the authentic and protective selves.
“Are you on fire from the years? What would you give for your kid fears?” When I first heard these lyrics to an Indigo Girls song, I thought: Oh man, what would my life have looked like without all those childhood fears? The answer is actually quite simple, although the practice is what so often trips me up. Life without those fears can be glimpsed in every moment when we are existing in our authentic realm — mindful, present and open to the possibilities of the experience.
Stay tuned for more discussions on ways to manifest the authentic self: mindfulness practices, flow and mindset, meditation, psychedelics, spirituality, awe and wonder, breathwork, gratitude, creativity, curiosity, love and friendship, travel and nature, exercise, and yoga. If staying present seems like an impossible task, try to stay curious. There is light at the end of the tunnel.
Jeff Cole is a licensed professional counselor, board certified leadership and performance coach, certified meditation instructor and graduate of Naropa’s Contemplative Psychology program. He can be reached at jmcole28@gmail.com.
